The Brick Wall: A Side Effect

You know when someone gets to know me they notice that I will start to build a wall. Many have asked me why.

Especially me husband!

You see after 5 years I am just beginning to really let him in. I can't even look my husband in the eyes and that is really sad. That is a level of intimacy that is really difficult for me. I don't like vulnerability and yet people see it in me all the time.

It's all because of the brick wall that is so hard to get through.

BUT GOD!

A few weeks ago I finally admitted to my husband what he has known all along.

I am scared of being hurt. So I shut down because I fear not being heard or I think that someone will take what I do or say and use it to their advantage. This I do with those who are closes to me.

That was definitely God because I would have never admitted that in such an open way.

Now I am on a journey to tear down the wall that has caused me to lose friends and misunderstand what someone was doing or saying. I have to let it fall or else I risk never knowing true intimacy in life.

Life is too short and precious to live it behind a brick wall.

My husband means too much to me for me not to look into his eyes and say what I really feel.

This is a side effect of molestation. Building a wall so that no one can hurt you; instead the hurt themselves.

The side of the wall I am on is lonely though and I am tired of living the lonely life.

Sure I am a people person, but deep down inside I still have a wall that will keep some out.

That is changing now.

Praise God for the tools to finally tear that wall down.

Today I am Grateful for...

The ability to apologize!

It took me along time to be so bold to say "I'm sorry" but once I started doing it I felt that much more liberated.

Picking Up My Little Girl

About two years ago I heard Pastor Rebecca Simmons speak on picking up your little girl.

I realized during that talk that I had left my little girl back in that bedroom and never went back to pick her up. Leaving her there caused so many years of unnecessary heartache. The little girl I left in that room was not the little girl that I took with me.

The little girl I took with me grew up too fast. She was always the one who did the mothering and nurturing. She was the one who would lie to get what she wanted. She was the one who built a wall that kept others from hurting her. She would get them first.

That little girl grew up to be tough no-nonsense sort of women with a mean independent streak that scared the worse of 'em. She hung with drug dealers, thugs, and the tough crowd. She was well respected (or rather feared) and she kept others in line. She was not afraid to fight a man because no one would ever hurt her again.

When Pastor Simmons spoke on that topic I cried. When my husband asked me about a month ago, if I had ever went back to get her, I cried again.

I had still left her crying on the bed with a strange color of red. I left her wondering if anyone would ever understand. I left her to be the victim.

And yet it was really me...I was the victim.

What a reality!

So now I have picked her up and we cry together. I tell her that someone does understand and she can be vulnerable and learn to trust others. She can move beyond the point of forgiveness into a process of healing so that she can become truly liberated; no longer is she the victim.

We cry often but each tear sheds a part of the past the may never be forgotten but it surely shall be conquered.

Today I am Grateful for...

Being in my right mind. If it had not been for the Lord on my side, I truly do not know where I would be.

I thank God for transforming my mind from a promiscuous being with a desire to be needed by the man instead of the "MAN"! Because my mind is renewed my life is so much better.

A Feeling You Always Seek (This Is a Hard One to Share)

Just about anyone who was molested will tell you that you always seek that feeling you got when someone touched you.

God designed our bodies to respond to certain touches that would arouse us sexually. However, that was for a time between a man and his wife; not a hunter and his prey. So when a young child's body is vandalized it can make things really confusing because the touch does feel good.

As a little girl when I was touched in that forbidden spot it did feel good. When my step-brother did it it was painful because of the violence her exhibited while in the act of violating me. However in the case of others who used me I will be honest and say it did feel good.

Please don't get me wrong because not all things that are good are good for you. What I am saying is that that feeling stays with you and seek it often.

For me it became addictive to the point that I was sexually active through most of my childhood. Let me tell all parents now...talk to your children because they will play and be influenced to play in ways that are not good, but feel good. Don't hide the facts of sex because if you do someone else will talk to them and man will it rock their world in a negative way.

It started out for me with two kids playing with one another. When I turned 16 I had my "first" sexual experience with a young man and I continued this path often having sex within the first two weeks of meeting a man.

I thought it was the only way to make a man love me. He could not possibly take me without the sex. After all it felt good and it made both of us feel good.

I never had a relationship that lasted for over 4 months. Well a couple did, but for the most part it was all about sex.

For me it was love for them it was sex. Then one day I told myself that, like man, sex would become all about satisfaction. It helped me to feel better while I was in the midst of continual sin.

I have had a lot of sexual partners - not something that I feel good about - however, it needs to be said. It needs to be shared.

Your child's very life may depend on it.

I praise God that I never had any sexually transmitted disease or AIDS. It could have been a lot worse, but it is not.

All of this because I was seeking a feeling that I should have never known.

I am Grateful For...

A moment to just smile!

A smile says so much and it is infectious!
A smile says I love you without saying a word.
A smile says that life is OK!
A smile is like a flower....it blooms into sheer beauty.

Praise God for the frown turned upside down!

The Pity of Self-Hatred

I can remember a little girl telling me about her uncle molesting her and how she tried to jump off of a roof and end it all. I held on to her tightly....I understood her pain.

I know that feeling well. I thought about suicide often, even had a bottle of bleach in my hand ready to guzzle it down. I thought that if I ended it then I would not have to deal with all the pain any longer. I thought it would be best. I was tired of holding the secret in.

Daddy was gone and I was really in a state of confusion, pain, and turmoil. Everything was topsy turvy....nothing made sense anymore. The more I tried to comprehend, the worse it got.

Why did Daddy leave and not tell Momma?

Why did my step-mother start ignoring me?

Why didn't my momma see the pain and ask why?

Why was I a victim of sexual abuse?

Why did they choose me?

This led me down a road of self-hatred that led me to take that bottle and consider just giving it all up!

When I look back now I see the reason for it all. I know that God was there with me and to this day I never blamed Him. My anger took on a different enemy....ME!

I wanted to self destruct and never return. Boy how I wish I could have been a different person. It just did not work out that way. I was in a pity party with no guests. I had no idea what this would do to me. My psyche was all screwed up. I did not know how to get out!

This road of self-destruction took me on a path that I will share in the days to come. Let me warn you now....it was not pretty!