I can remember a little girl telling me about her uncle molesting her and how she tried to jump off of a roof and end it all. I held on to her tightly....I understood her pain.
I know that feeling well. I thought about suicide often, even had a bottle of bleach in my hand ready to guzzle it down. I thought that if I ended it then I would not have to deal with all the pain any longer. I thought it would be best. I was tired of holding the secret in.
Daddy was gone and I was really in a state of confusion, pain, and turmoil. Everything was topsy turvy....nothing made sense anymore. The more I tried to comprehend, the worse it got.
Why did Daddy leave and not tell Momma?
Why did my step-mother start ignoring me?
Why didn't my momma see the pain and ask why?
Why was I a victim of sexual abuse?
Why did they choose me?
This led me down a road of self-hatred that led me to take that bottle and consider just giving it all up!
When I look back now I see the reason for it all. I know that God was there with me and to this day I never blamed Him. My anger took on a different enemy....ME!
I wanted to self destruct and never return. Boy how I wish I could have been a different person. It just did not work out that way. I was in a pity party with no guests. I had no idea what this would do to me. My psyche was all screwed up. I did not know how to get out!
This road of self-destruction took me on a path that I will share in the days to come. Let me warn you now....it was not pretty!
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2 comments:
You are a brave woman. You have a story to tell and I will be reading it for sure. Blessings to you, my friend.
Thank you for your comment! It means the world to me to know that people support me and want to see this type of truth come to surface.
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