Being in my right mind. If it had not been for the Lord on my side, I truly do not know where I would be.
I thank God for transforming my mind from a promiscuous being with a desire to be needed by the man instead of the "MAN"! Because my mind is renewed my life is so much better.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
A Feeling You Always Seek (This Is a Hard One to Share)
Just about anyone who was molested will tell you that you always seek that feeling you got when someone touched you.
God designed our bodies to respond to certain touches that would arouse us sexually. However, that was for a time between a man and his wife; not a hunter and his prey. So when a young child's body is vandalized it can make things really confusing because the touch does feel good.
As a little girl when I was touched in that forbidden spot it did feel good. When my step-brother did it it was painful because of the violence her exhibited while in the act of violating me. However in the case of others who used me I will be honest and say it did feel good.
Please don't get me wrong because not all things that are good are good for you. What I am saying is that that feeling stays with you and seek it often.
For me it became addictive to the point that I was sexually active through most of my childhood. Let me tell all parents now...talk to your children because they will play and be influenced to play in ways that are not good, but feel good. Don't hide the facts of sex because if you do someone else will talk to them and man will it rock their world in a negative way.
It started out for me with two kids playing with one another. When I turned 16 I had my "first" sexual experience with a young man and I continued this path often having sex within the first two weeks of meeting a man.
I thought it was the only way to make a man love me. He could not possibly take me without the sex. After all it felt good and it made both of us feel good.
I never had a relationship that lasted for over 4 months. Well a couple did, but for the most part it was all about sex.
For me it was love for them it was sex. Then one day I told myself that, like man, sex would become all about satisfaction. It helped me to feel better while I was in the midst of continual sin.
I have had a lot of sexual partners - not something that I feel good about - however, it needs to be said. It needs to be shared.
Your child's very life may depend on it.
I praise God that I never had any sexually transmitted disease or AIDS. It could have been a lot worse, but it is not.
All of this because I was seeking a feeling that I should have never known.
God designed our bodies to respond to certain touches that would arouse us sexually. However, that was for a time between a man and his wife; not a hunter and his prey. So when a young child's body is vandalized it can make things really confusing because the touch does feel good.
As a little girl when I was touched in that forbidden spot it did feel good. When my step-brother did it it was painful because of the violence her exhibited while in the act of violating me. However in the case of others who used me I will be honest and say it did feel good.
Please don't get me wrong because not all things that are good are good for you. What I am saying is that that feeling stays with you and seek it often.
For me it became addictive to the point that I was sexually active through most of my childhood. Let me tell all parents now...talk to your children because they will play and be influenced to play in ways that are not good, but feel good. Don't hide the facts of sex because if you do someone else will talk to them and man will it rock their world in a negative way.
It started out for me with two kids playing with one another. When I turned 16 I had my "first" sexual experience with a young man and I continued this path often having sex within the first two weeks of meeting a man.
I thought it was the only way to make a man love me. He could not possibly take me without the sex. After all it felt good and it made both of us feel good.
I never had a relationship that lasted for over 4 months. Well a couple did, but for the most part it was all about sex.
For me it was love for them it was sex. Then one day I told myself that, like man, sex would become all about satisfaction. It helped me to feel better while I was in the midst of continual sin.
I have had a lot of sexual partners - not something that I feel good about - however, it needs to be said. It needs to be shared.
Your child's very life may depend on it.
I praise God that I never had any sexually transmitted disease or AIDS. It could have been a lot worse, but it is not.
All of this because I was seeking a feeling that I should have never known.
Friday, June 15, 2007
I am Grateful For...
A moment to just smile!A smile says so much and it is infectious!
A smile says I love you without saying a word.
A smile says that life is OK!
A smile is like a flower....it blooms into sheer beauty.
Praise God for the frown turned upside down!
A smile says I love you without saying a word.
A smile says that life is OK!
A smile is like a flower....it blooms into sheer beauty.
Praise God for the frown turned upside down!
The Pity of Self-Hatred
I can remember a little girl telling me about her uncle molesting her and how she tried to jump off of a roof and end it all. I held on to her tightly....I understood her pain.
I know that feeling well. I thought about suicide often, even had a bottle of bleach in my hand ready to guzzle it down. I thought that if I ended it then I would not have to deal with all the pain any longer. I thought it would be best. I was tired of holding the secret in.
Daddy was gone and I was really in a state of confusion, pain, and turmoil. Everything was topsy turvy....nothing made sense anymore. The more I tried to comprehend, the worse it got.
Why did Daddy leave and not tell Momma?
Why did my step-mother start ignoring me?
Why didn't my momma see the pain and ask why?
Why was I a victim of sexual abuse?
Why did they choose me?
This led me down a road of self-hatred that led me to take that bottle and consider just giving it all up!
When I look back now I see the reason for it all. I know that God was there with me and to this day I never blamed Him. My anger took on a different enemy....ME!
I wanted to self destruct and never return. Boy how I wish I could have been a different person. It just did not work out that way. I was in a pity party with no guests. I had no idea what this would do to me. My psyche was all screwed up. I did not know how to get out!
This road of self-destruction took me on a path that I will share in the days to come. Let me warn you now....it was not pretty!
I know that feeling well. I thought about suicide often, even had a bottle of bleach in my hand ready to guzzle it down. I thought that if I ended it then I would not have to deal with all the pain any longer. I thought it would be best. I was tired of holding the secret in.
Daddy was gone and I was really in a state of confusion, pain, and turmoil. Everything was topsy turvy....nothing made sense anymore. The more I tried to comprehend, the worse it got.
Why did Daddy leave and not tell Momma?
Why did my step-mother start ignoring me?
Why didn't my momma see the pain and ask why?
Why was I a victim of sexual abuse?
Why did they choose me?
This led me down a road of self-hatred that led me to take that bottle and consider just giving it all up!
When I look back now I see the reason for it all. I know that God was there with me and to this day I never blamed Him. My anger took on a different enemy....ME!
I wanted to self destruct and never return. Boy how I wish I could have been a different person. It just did not work out that way. I was in a pity party with no guests. I had no idea what this would do to me. My psyche was all screwed up. I did not know how to get out!
This road of self-destruction took me on a path that I will share in the days to come. Let me warn you now....it was not pretty!
Friday, June 8, 2007
Today I am Grateful For
Two boys who are learning what I did not at their age. Their worth in Christ and the value they have in knowing that God wants them to live wih Him forever!
Teach your children daily to admonish the Lord and rest in His peace!
Rummaging Through the Trash
You never realize just how much junk is in your life until you start to face yourself!
Sure a lot of it entered into my life unwillingly, but as I got older I had a choice to change. I chose not to work on it. I just kept sweeping it under a rug and ignoring the small pile forming. Eventually it turned into a huge pile of toxic trash.
Bitterness, anger, promiscuity, manipulation, lying, and so much more became a part of me.
Molestation not only ruins your body, but it messes up your soul. Without help there is only disaster waiting at every turn. Remember I never got help. As a matter of fact I did not start sharing about my molestation until I was well into my 20s.
So my soul was vexed by the evil of sexual abuse.
I did and said so much that I forgot what was real and what was memorex. But I was good at it and most of the time I got away with what I was doing.
No one had a clue...or so I thought.
I found out some years later that there were people who knew I was all memorex and yet they still loved me because they knew the real me. One of my oldest friends said that once she found out all of the stuff I had been through, she understood why I lived like I did. Pushing everyone away with lies, manipulation and bitterness.
I was always doing something to push others away. Sometimes on purpose and other times subsconsciously.
But God was always there and I knew it.
That is why some years later I started working on these ugly ways. The first to go was manipulation. I had used to many people with my sneaky ways. I then let go of my best friend and confidant...the liar.
Now I am working on my bitterness and anger. They tend to go hand-in-hand. I thought it was gone too, but I stayed angry and bitter the first four years of my marriage.
Get this straight because I have only been married 5 years come September 1.
This time when I work on this stuff I am not only putting it in the bag, but I am throwing it in the garbage finally.
The difference between now and then you might ask...God and nothing but! He has my back and this time I don't want to run from His protection. I want Him to help me do this.
So now I am telling others about my stuff because it holds me accountable to work on it. I have no choice but to do so. My witness and the lives of so many other depend on me throwing tha trash out this time.
Does that mean it won;t show up at my doorstep again...Nope!
This time though I am armed with the ultimate WEAPON! My faith, hope, and love for Daddy!
Gotta go take out some trash!
Sure a lot of it entered into my life unwillingly, but as I got older I had a choice to change. I chose not to work on it. I just kept sweeping it under a rug and ignoring the small pile forming. Eventually it turned into a huge pile of toxic trash.
Bitterness, anger, promiscuity, manipulation, lying, and so much more became a part of me.
Molestation not only ruins your body, but it messes up your soul. Without help there is only disaster waiting at every turn. Remember I never got help. As a matter of fact I did not start sharing about my molestation until I was well into my 20s.
So my soul was vexed by the evil of sexual abuse.
I did and said so much that I forgot what was real and what was memorex. But I was good at it and most of the time I got away with what I was doing.
No one had a clue...or so I thought.
I found out some years later that there were people who knew I was all memorex and yet they still loved me because they knew the real me. One of my oldest friends said that once she found out all of the stuff I had been through, she understood why I lived like I did. Pushing everyone away with lies, manipulation and bitterness.
I was always doing something to push others away. Sometimes on purpose and other times subsconsciously.
But God was always there and I knew it.
That is why some years later I started working on these ugly ways. The first to go was manipulation. I had used to many people with my sneaky ways. I then let go of my best friend and confidant...the liar.
Now I am working on my bitterness and anger. They tend to go hand-in-hand. I thought it was gone too, but I stayed angry and bitter the first four years of my marriage.
Get this straight because I have only been married 5 years come September 1.
This time when I work on this stuff I am not only putting it in the bag, but I am throwing it in the garbage finally.
The difference between now and then you might ask...God and nothing but! He has my back and this time I don't want to run from His protection. I want Him to help me do this.
So now I am telling others about my stuff because it holds me accountable to work on it. I have no choice but to do so. My witness and the lives of so many other depend on me throwing tha trash out this time.
Does that mean it won;t show up at my doorstep again...Nope!
This time though I am armed with the ultimate WEAPON! My faith, hope, and love for Daddy!
Gotta go take out some trash!
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