A sense of unworthiness is a terrible feeling. How do I know?
You guessed it, I have been there.
Just like intimidation, feelings of unworthiness are paralyzing, but in a different way. For years I would not share with others what I do and if I did share I downplayed it often. You know, making it appear unimportant.
Do you know that God is not glorified in that?
You see when God gives us talents, skills, and yes those Spiritual gifts and we downplay them, then that is like telling Him that His gifts to us don't mean much.
How do you feel when you give a gift to someone and they don't appreciate it?
Just this morning I told myself to stop making what I do in life seem so small. I even shared it with Rupert, my husband. It's one thing to be humble, but it is another to be just plain silly. God never said that we couldn't think of ourselves highly:
But I say to every one of you, through the grace given to me, not to have an over-high opinion of himself, but to have wise thoughts, as God has given to every one a measure of faith.
Romans 12:3 (Bible in Basic English)
It's ok to have a high opinion of myself, but I must use wisdom as move forward in what God has given to me to use according to His will. Otherwise I will risk falling into an issue of pride.
So on my journey out of the pit I was in for so many years, I am learning to scream from the mountain tops all that God is allowing me to do and is blessing me with. But I won't scream so loud that I drown God out!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Residuals of Life in the Pit 1
It's been a while since I have blogged. Why?
I am not really sure.
I have been examining my life by talking to God about what He sees. What I have seen can be called residuals of life in the pit.
Residuals are those things that are a direct result of living in a dark pit filled with dirt and a great deal of mess. For me the residuals of being thrown in the pit caused me to lose a lot of precious time in life. I put my dreams on hold, neglected myself, abused myself, hurt people, and most of all I did not let God love me.
I also dealt with and still do deal with intimidation; especially with people who are in power and men. As a result of allowing others to intimidate me I did so many stupid things.
There were times when I would literally freeze up and just leave whatever the issue was alone. My life was in victim mode often and I really did not know how to speak up for myself. But I would fight in a minute...go figure!
Intimidation is paralyzing! There is no other way to say it.
It traps your authentic voice and keeps you from effectively walking in your destiny.
I know because it had me immobile for 36 years before I woke up to what was keeping me from walking in freedom.
I still struggle with it sometimes but I have learned a few key motivators to keep me from falling back into a life in a mental wheelchair.
1. Prayer - Not just any prayer, but a get down and dirty prayer. You know like the ones David prayed in the books of Psalms.
2. Affirmation - Tell yourself daily that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Tell yourself that you are the head and not the tail. Remind yourself that He is the potter and you are the clay...He is molding you in a most perfect way.
3. Read a Psalm Daily - Oh the blessings of this wonderful book.
4. Writer it out - Write when you feel intimidated. It helps you to see what the issue is and why you may have it.
5. Talk it out - I just cried to my husband about this issue the other night. It is very theraputic.
6. Think Before You Speak - If you are in a situation where you feel intimidated, don't talk until uou think about it. Please!
Don't live your life in a mental Wheelchair.
I am not really sure.
I have been examining my life by talking to God about what He sees. What I have seen can be called residuals of life in the pit.
Residuals are those things that are a direct result of living in a dark pit filled with dirt and a great deal of mess. For me the residuals of being thrown in the pit caused me to lose a lot of precious time in life. I put my dreams on hold, neglected myself, abused myself, hurt people, and most of all I did not let God love me.
I also dealt with and still do deal with intimidation; especially with people who are in power and men. As a result of allowing others to intimidate me I did so many stupid things.
There were times when I would literally freeze up and just leave whatever the issue was alone. My life was in victim mode often and I really did not know how to speak up for myself. But I would fight in a minute...go figure!
Intimidation is paralyzing! There is no other way to say it.
It traps your authentic voice and keeps you from effectively walking in your destiny.
I know because it had me immobile for 36 years before I woke up to what was keeping me from walking in freedom.
I still struggle with it sometimes but I have learned a few key motivators to keep me from falling back into a life in a mental wheelchair.
1. Prayer - Not just any prayer, but a get down and dirty prayer. You know like the ones David prayed in the books of Psalms.
2. Affirmation - Tell yourself daily that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Tell yourself that you are the head and not the tail. Remind yourself that He is the potter and you are the clay...He is molding you in a most perfect way.
3. Read a Psalm Daily - Oh the blessings of this wonderful book.
4. Writer it out - Write when you feel intimidated. It helps you to see what the issue is and why you may have it.
5. Talk it out - I just cried to my husband about this issue the other night. It is very theraputic.
6. Think Before You Speak - If you are in a situation where you feel intimidated, don't talk until uou think about it. Please!
Don't live your life in a mental Wheelchair.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
I Finally Told Mom
After my experience with the young girl who did not commit suicide because of my testimony, decided it was time to tell mom about what had occurred.
That was one of the most liberating confessions I have ever made. For over 30 years I have been keeping this from mom. After telling her this truth she began to understand why I was so hateful towards men and why I had so many emotional ups and down.
She told me that my daddy was correct in his assumption that if she would have known I would not have been allowed to go over to his home. She said she remembered when I stayed away from Dad's house for over two years. She just did not know why.
The light went off in her head the other day.
There were no tears just honest talk and admittance from mom that she should have paid more attention to the entire situation.
Yes, my father should have told her so that I could have received the proper help, but he didn't and it cost me a life of sure uncertainty. A life of bitterness, pain, and misunderstood love.
I think mom may be a little angry but talking to dad won't work because he has been dead now for over 20 years. She knows my father loved me with all that was in him and that he never let me step-brother touch or harm me again.
He did what he felt he needed to so that I stayed a part of his life. Did it make him right? Not by any means!
I praise God for giving me the courage to tell my mother.
Truly it was liberating.
Technorati Tags: latara ham-ying, molestation, sexual abuse
That was one of the most liberating confessions I have ever made. For over 30 years I have been keeping this from mom. After telling her this truth she began to understand why I was so hateful towards men and why I had so many emotional ups and down.
She told me that my daddy was correct in his assumption that if she would have known I would not have been allowed to go over to his home. She said she remembered when I stayed away from Dad's house for over two years. She just did not know why.
The light went off in her head the other day.
There were no tears just honest talk and admittance from mom that she should have paid more attention to the entire situation.
Yes, my father should have told her so that I could have received the proper help, but he didn't and it cost me a life of sure uncertainty. A life of bitterness, pain, and misunderstood love.
I think mom may be a little angry but talking to dad won't work because he has been dead now for over 20 years. She knows my father loved me with all that was in him and that he never let me step-brother touch or harm me again.
He did what he felt he needed to so that I stayed a part of his life. Did it make him right? Not by any means!
I praise God for giving me the courage to tell my mother.
Truly it was liberating.
Technorati Tags: latara ham-ying, molestation, sexual abuse
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Friday, August 10, 2007
She Did Not Do It!
For those who do not know this about me; I am a speaker, facilitator of
God's Word,podcast producer and host. My main platform is teaching
others to be proactive in the choices they make in life.
This
past Sunday I spoke to a group a teens about spiritual gifts, talents,
and purpose. I shared my testimony about molestation and not
understanding why God allowed it in my life. I told the teens it was
because I needed to share it for such a time as this. I felt someone
there needed to hear it.
I received an email from the
coordinator's mother. She said there was a young lady there who was
going to commit suicide that night due to issues she is facing similar
to mine. She took the time afterwards to share with someone what she
was going to do and how what I shared and the entire night saved her
life that night.
It appears that her best friend is being raped
by her own brother and his best friend every night. Something tells me
that it is really the young lady and not the best friend.
I am
still thanking God because I was that young lady. I tried suicide and
God snatched that bottle of bleach out of my hand. So I know her pain
well.
You know as I pondered why I needed to share this here is what God told me...
We
are all a part of the Kingdom Restoration Process for such a time as
this. The enemy is busy trying to kill, steal, and destroy but Jesus...
He came that we might have an abundant life.
The
Body of Christ is on the verge of a huge door opening and this is not
the time to give up. That young girl could be dead tonight if I had not
heeded the voice of God and spoke in a transparent manner (as is my
norm).
In Isaiah 43:19 God says that He will do a new thing. It
is happening now. He is making a way in the wilderness and providing
rivers in the desert.
I praise God for directing me towards that
young lady. I do not even know who she is, but because of my portion of
faith and discernment her life was saved and Satan did not win.
Technorati Tags: latara ham-ying, molestation, sexual abuse, christian
God's Word,podcast producer and host. My main platform is teaching
others to be proactive in the choices they make in life.
This
past Sunday I spoke to a group a teens about spiritual gifts, talents,
and purpose. I shared my testimony about molestation and not
understanding why God allowed it in my life. I told the teens it was
because I needed to share it for such a time as this. I felt someone
there needed to hear it.
I received an email from the
coordinator's mother. She said there was a young lady there who was
going to commit suicide that night due to issues she is facing similar
to mine. She took the time afterwards to share with someone what she
was going to do and how what I shared and the entire night saved her
life that night.
It appears that her best friend is being raped
by her own brother and his best friend every night. Something tells me
that it is really the young lady and not the best friend.
I am
still thanking God because I was that young lady. I tried suicide and
God snatched that bottle of bleach out of my hand. So I know her pain
well.
You know as I pondered why I needed to share this here is what God told me...
We
are all a part of the Kingdom Restoration Process for such a time as
this. The enemy is busy trying to kill, steal, and destroy but Jesus...
He came that we might have an abundant life.
The
Body of Christ is on the verge of a huge door opening and this is not
the time to give up. That young girl could be dead tonight if I had not
heeded the voice of God and spoke in a transparent manner (as is my
norm).
In Isaiah 43:19 God says that He will do a new thing. It
is happening now. He is making a way in the wilderness and providing
rivers in the desert.
I praise God for directing me towards that
young lady. I do not even know who she is, but because of my portion of
faith and discernment her life was saved and Satan did not win.
Technorati Tags: latara ham-ying, molestation, sexual abuse, christian
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Saturday, July 28, 2007
A Victim No More
I am fearfully and wonderfully made!
So why did I play the victim for 38 years? Convenience? To get empathy? To look like a martyr?
What ever the reasons, God has told me it time out for playing the victim.
I am more than a conqueror!
So why did I live my life so defeated? Fear of coming out of the box? Fear of change? Fear of failure? Fear of me?
What ever the reasons, God has told me that I have no right to act in a such a way. To live defeated means I have no faith...Jesus said if you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. I was existing as if I just did not believe.
God told me that He is an out of the box God and I have to be His out of the box child!
God told me that change is necessary for growth. He prunes me with purpose!
I am not here to live a dormant life....Jesus said He came that I not only have life, but have it more abundantly!
So what if they touched me, had sex with me, violated my right to have sex for the first time with the man I love. So what if they beat me, scared me, and made me feel little.
He is God and He knows the plans He has for me.
To live my life in fear of failure is more sinful than murder, gossip, stealing, and even molestation. It hurts Him more when I don't try.
No longer am I to play the victim. This message is not just for me, but for you to my sister or my brother.
You are made in the image of a perfect God! You are loved beyond measure! Nothing can separate you from that love!
Don't the ignorance of a few keep you from living your life....
Outside of the Box!
You are no longer the victim. You my friend are the victor!
So why did I play the victim for 38 years? Convenience? To get empathy? To look like a martyr?
What ever the reasons, God has told me it time out for playing the victim.
I am more than a conqueror!
So why did I live my life so defeated? Fear of coming out of the box? Fear of change? Fear of failure? Fear of me?
What ever the reasons, God has told me that I have no right to act in a such a way. To live defeated means I have no faith...Jesus said if you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. I was existing as if I just did not believe.
God told me that He is an out of the box God and I have to be His out of the box child!
God told me that change is necessary for growth. He prunes me with purpose!
I am not here to live a dormant life....Jesus said He came that I not only have life, but have it more abundantly!
So what if they touched me, had sex with me, violated my right to have sex for the first time with the man I love. So what if they beat me, scared me, and made me feel little.
He is God and He knows the plans He has for me.
To live my life in fear of failure is more sinful than murder, gossip, stealing, and even molestation. It hurts Him more when I don't try.
No longer am I to play the victim. This message is not just for me, but for you to my sister or my brother.
You are made in the image of a perfect God! You are loved beyond measure! Nothing can separate you from that love!
Don't the ignorance of a few keep you from living your life....
Outside of the Box!
You are no longer the victim. You my friend are the victor!
Healing....It Truly Is Powerful!
Healing!
When I came here this afternoon I was struck by the fact that I have changed so much in the last few months. I guess when you truly get sick and tired, you really do.
It was my rock bottom....just being sick and tired.
That is what happened with me. As result of my reaching my rock bottom I asked God to show me what to do and to work with me, in me, and on me because I could not live this misery anymore. I could pretend I was satisfied with my life...but really I was not.
I could think I had it all together. But really I was a cookies down to my the last bite. All I was waiting on was for someone else to come and enjoy.
I had really given up on me and in essence, on God. I stopped believing that He cared.
Here I am not even months later and I can say that God truly does come through. All I had to do was let go and let God.
A hard task a wall builder.
I praise God because I am healing and now it shows!
I sit here now in tears because I see all the time I wasted being miserable as I waited on God to do some sort of hocus pocus and make me brand new.
I know now that is not how it works. I knew it then....I just wanted to be different!
Healing...it is a very powerful tool!
When I came here this afternoon I was struck by the fact that I have changed so much in the last few months. I guess when you truly get sick and tired, you really do.
It was my rock bottom....just being sick and tired.
That is what happened with me. As result of my reaching my rock bottom I asked God to show me what to do and to work with me, in me, and on me because I could not live this misery anymore. I could pretend I was satisfied with my life...but really I was not.
I could think I had it all together. But really I was a cookies down to my the last bite. All I was waiting on was for someone else to come and enjoy.
I had really given up on me and in essence, on God. I stopped believing that He cared.
Here I am not even months later and I can say that God truly does come through. All I had to do was let go and let God.
A hard task a wall builder.
I praise God because I am healing and now it shows!
I sit here now in tears because I see all the time I wasted being miserable as I waited on God to do some sort of hocus pocus and make me brand new.
I know now that is not how it works. I knew it then....I just wanted to be different!
Healing...it is a very powerful tool!
Friday, July 20, 2007
It Shall Come to Pass
...and ye know in all your hearts and in all your souls, that not one thing hath failed of all the good things which Jehovah your God spake concerning you; all are come to pass unto you, not one thing hath failed thereof.
Joshua 23:14
I did not accept Christ until I was 20 years old; that was 18 years ago.
However, as a little girl and all the way through my life before Him, I knew He was there. I did not feel scared all those times I was raped (that is what it really was). I knew He was there.
My momma took me to church, I saw her praying on her knees; and at a young age I witnessed black gunk being vomited from my possessed aunt's body after an experience with voo doo as the pastor and others stood in a circle around her and prayed the Word of God. So I knew there was a God. Yes I knew.
I felt His presence when I needed it most. I talked with Him often.
My life would have been worse had He not been there.
As confused as I was about all that was going on with me, I knew He would never leave me nor forsake me. I knew He was going to take care of those evil spirits that made people hurt me.
I always knew I was called, I just did not know to what and I did not accept the call until some years after my Salvation experience.
Looking back I see where God allowed my situation because He knew that I would be here writing to you, my sister in pain. My sister who was touched in such a mean inappropriate way. Even you my brother hiding the shame of being violated in such a cruel way.
God never broke one promise to me. He was faithful not only because He is God but because His loyalty and faithfulness towards me in my darkest hour would catapult me to answer the call.
So if you are wondering where He is, look and listen He has always been there.
He never left you. He knew you needed Him and He knows that you still do.
He has broken one promise and He never will.
Joshua 23:14
I did not accept Christ until I was 20 years old; that was 18 years ago.
However, as a little girl and all the way through my life before Him, I knew He was there. I did not feel scared all those times I was raped (that is what it really was). I knew He was there.
My momma took me to church, I saw her praying on her knees; and at a young age I witnessed black gunk being vomited from my possessed aunt's body after an experience with voo doo as the pastor and others stood in a circle around her and prayed the Word of God. So I knew there was a God. Yes I knew.
I felt His presence when I needed it most. I talked with Him often.
My life would have been worse had He not been there.
As confused as I was about all that was going on with me, I knew He would never leave me nor forsake me. I knew He was going to take care of those evil spirits that made people hurt me.
I always knew I was called, I just did not know to what and I did not accept the call until some years after my Salvation experience.
Looking back I see where God allowed my situation because He knew that I would be here writing to you, my sister in pain. My sister who was touched in such a mean inappropriate way. Even you my brother hiding the shame of being violated in such a cruel way.
God never broke one promise to me. He was faithful not only because He is God but because His loyalty and faithfulness towards me in my darkest hour would catapult me to answer the call.
So if you are wondering where He is, look and listen He has always been there.
He never left you. He knew you needed Him and He knows that you still do.
He has broken one promise and He never will.
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