I am fearfully and wonderfully made!
So why did I play the victim for 38 years? Convenience? To get empathy? To look like a martyr?
What ever the reasons, God has told me it time out for playing the victim.
I am more than a conqueror!
So why did I live my life so defeated? Fear of coming out of the box? Fear of change? Fear of failure? Fear of me?
What ever the reasons, God has told me that I have no right to act in a such a way. To live defeated means I have no faith...Jesus said if you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. I was existing as if I just did not believe.
God told me that He is an out of the box God and I have to be His out of the box child!
God told me that change is necessary for growth. He prunes me with purpose!
I am not here to live a dormant life....Jesus said He came that I not only have life, but have it more abundantly!
So what if they touched me, had sex with me, violated my right to have sex for the first time with the man I love. So what if they beat me, scared me, and made me feel little.
He is God and He knows the plans He has for me.
To live my life in fear of failure is more sinful than murder, gossip, stealing, and even molestation. It hurts Him more when I don't try.
No longer am I to play the victim. This message is not just for me, but for you to my sister or my brother.
You are made in the image of a perfect God! You are loved beyond measure! Nothing can separate you from that love!
Don't the ignorance of a few keep you from living your life....
Outside of the Box!
You are no longer the victim. You my friend are the victor!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Healing....It Truly Is Powerful!
Healing!
When I came here this afternoon I was struck by the fact that I have changed so much in the last few months. I guess when you truly get sick and tired, you really do.
It was my rock bottom....just being sick and tired.
That is what happened with me. As result of my reaching my rock bottom I asked God to show me what to do and to work with me, in me, and on me because I could not live this misery anymore. I could pretend I was satisfied with my life...but really I was not.
I could think I had it all together. But really I was a cookies down to my the last bite. All I was waiting on was for someone else to come and enjoy.
I had really given up on me and in essence, on God. I stopped believing that He cared.
Here I am not even months later and I can say that God truly does come through. All I had to do was let go and let God.
A hard task a wall builder.
I praise God because I am healing and now it shows!
I sit here now in tears because I see all the time I wasted being miserable as I waited on God to do some sort of hocus pocus and make me brand new.
I know now that is not how it works. I knew it then....I just wanted to be different!
Healing...it is a very powerful tool!
When I came here this afternoon I was struck by the fact that I have changed so much in the last few months. I guess when you truly get sick and tired, you really do.
It was my rock bottom....just being sick and tired.
That is what happened with me. As result of my reaching my rock bottom I asked God to show me what to do and to work with me, in me, and on me because I could not live this misery anymore. I could pretend I was satisfied with my life...but really I was not.
I could think I had it all together. But really I was a cookies down to my the last bite. All I was waiting on was for someone else to come and enjoy.
I had really given up on me and in essence, on God. I stopped believing that He cared.
Here I am not even months later and I can say that God truly does come through. All I had to do was let go and let God.
A hard task a wall builder.
I praise God because I am healing and now it shows!
I sit here now in tears because I see all the time I wasted being miserable as I waited on God to do some sort of hocus pocus and make me brand new.
I know now that is not how it works. I knew it then....I just wanted to be different!
Healing...it is a very powerful tool!
Friday, July 20, 2007
It Shall Come to Pass
...and ye know in all your hearts and in all your souls, that not one thing hath failed of all the good things which Jehovah your God spake concerning you; all are come to pass unto you, not one thing hath failed thereof.
Joshua 23:14
I did not accept Christ until I was 20 years old; that was 18 years ago.
However, as a little girl and all the way through my life before Him, I knew He was there. I did not feel scared all those times I was raped (that is what it really was). I knew He was there.
My momma took me to church, I saw her praying on her knees; and at a young age I witnessed black gunk being vomited from my possessed aunt's body after an experience with voo doo as the pastor and others stood in a circle around her and prayed the Word of God. So I knew there was a God. Yes I knew.
I felt His presence when I needed it most. I talked with Him often.
My life would have been worse had He not been there.
As confused as I was about all that was going on with me, I knew He would never leave me nor forsake me. I knew He was going to take care of those evil spirits that made people hurt me.
I always knew I was called, I just did not know to what and I did not accept the call until some years after my Salvation experience.
Looking back I see where God allowed my situation because He knew that I would be here writing to you, my sister in pain. My sister who was touched in such a mean inappropriate way. Even you my brother hiding the shame of being violated in such a cruel way.
God never broke one promise to me. He was faithful not only because He is God but because His loyalty and faithfulness towards me in my darkest hour would catapult me to answer the call.
So if you are wondering where He is, look and listen He has always been there.
He never left you. He knew you needed Him and He knows that you still do.
He has broken one promise and He never will.
Joshua 23:14
I did not accept Christ until I was 20 years old; that was 18 years ago.
However, as a little girl and all the way through my life before Him, I knew He was there. I did not feel scared all those times I was raped (that is what it really was). I knew He was there.
My momma took me to church, I saw her praying on her knees; and at a young age I witnessed black gunk being vomited from my possessed aunt's body after an experience with voo doo as the pastor and others stood in a circle around her and prayed the Word of God. So I knew there was a God. Yes I knew.
I felt His presence when I needed it most. I talked with Him often.
My life would have been worse had He not been there.
As confused as I was about all that was going on with me, I knew He would never leave me nor forsake me. I knew He was going to take care of those evil spirits that made people hurt me.
I always knew I was called, I just did not know to what and I did not accept the call until some years after my Salvation experience.
Looking back I see where God allowed my situation because He knew that I would be here writing to you, my sister in pain. My sister who was touched in such a mean inappropriate way. Even you my brother hiding the shame of being violated in such a cruel way.
God never broke one promise to me. He was faithful not only because He is God but because His loyalty and faithfulness towards me in my darkest hour would catapult me to answer the call.
So if you are wondering where He is, look and listen He has always been there.
He never left you. He knew you needed Him and He knows that you still do.
He has broken one promise and He never will.
The Brick Wall: A Side Effect
You know when someone gets to know me they notice that I will start to build a wall. Many have asked me why.
Especially me husband!
You see after 5 years I am just beginning to really let him in. I can't even look my husband in the eyes and that is really sad. That is a level of intimacy that is really difficult for me. I don't like vulnerability and yet people see it in me all the time.
It's all because of the brick wall that is so hard to get through.
BUT GOD!
A few weeks ago I finally admitted to my husband what he has known all along.
I am scared of being hurt. So I shut down because I fear not being heard or I think that someone will take what I do or say and use it to their advantage. This I do with those who are closes to me.
That was definitely God because I would have never admitted that in such an open way.
Now I am on a journey to tear down the wall that has caused me to lose friends and misunderstand what someone was doing or saying. I have to let it fall or else I risk never knowing true intimacy in life.
Life is too short and precious to live it behind a brick wall.
My husband means too much to me for me not to look into his eyes and say what I really feel.
This is a side effect of molestation. Building a wall so that no one can hurt you; instead the hurt themselves.
The side of the wall I am on is lonely though and I am tired of living the lonely life.
Sure I am a people person, but deep down inside I still have a wall that will keep some out.
That is changing now.
Praise God for the tools to finally tear that wall down.
Especially me husband!
You see after 5 years I am just beginning to really let him in. I can't even look my husband in the eyes and that is really sad. That is a level of intimacy that is really difficult for me. I don't like vulnerability and yet people see it in me all the time.
It's all because of the brick wall that is so hard to get through.
BUT GOD!
A few weeks ago I finally admitted to my husband what he has known all along.
I am scared of being hurt. So I shut down because I fear not being heard or I think that someone will take what I do or say and use it to their advantage. This I do with those who are closes to me.
That was definitely God because I would have never admitted that in such an open way.
Now I am on a journey to tear down the wall that has caused me to lose friends and misunderstand what someone was doing or saying. I have to let it fall or else I risk never knowing true intimacy in life.
Life is too short and precious to live it behind a brick wall.
My husband means too much to me for me not to look into his eyes and say what I really feel.
This is a side effect of molestation. Building a wall so that no one can hurt you; instead the hurt themselves.
The side of the wall I am on is lonely though and I am tired of living the lonely life.
Sure I am a people person, but deep down inside I still have a wall that will keep some out.
That is changing now.
Praise God for the tools to finally tear that wall down.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Today I am Grateful for...
The ability to apologize!
It took me along time to be so bold to say "I'm sorry" but once I started doing it I felt that much more liberated.
It took me along time to be so bold to say "I'm sorry" but once I started doing it I felt that much more liberated.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Picking Up My Little Girl
About two years ago I heard Pastor Rebecca Simmons speak on picking up your little girl.
I realized during that talk that I had left my little girl back in that bedroom and never went back to pick her up. Leaving her there caused so many years of unnecessary heartache. The little girl I left in that room was not the little girl that I took with me.
The little girl I took with me grew up too fast. She was always the one who did the mothering and nurturing. She was the one who would lie to get what she wanted. She was the one who built a wall that kept others from hurting her. She would get them first.
That little girl grew up to be tough no-nonsense sort of women with a mean independent streak that scared the worse of 'em. She hung with drug dealers, thugs, and the tough crowd. She was well respected (or rather feared) and she kept others in line. She was not afraid to fight a man because no one would ever hurt her again.
When Pastor Simmons spoke on that topic I cried. When my husband asked me about a month ago, if I had ever went back to get her, I cried again.
I had still left her crying on the bed with a strange color of red. I left her wondering if anyone would ever understand. I left her to be the victim.
And yet it was really me...I was the victim.
What a reality!
So now I have picked her up and we cry together. I tell her that someone does understand and she can be vulnerable and learn to trust others. She can move beyond the point of forgiveness into a process of healing so that she can become truly liberated; no longer is she the victim.
We cry often but each tear sheds a part of the past the may never be forgotten but it surely shall be conquered.
I realized during that talk that I had left my little girl back in that bedroom and never went back to pick her up. Leaving her there caused so many years of unnecessary heartache. The little girl I left in that room was not the little girl that I took with me.
The little girl I took with me grew up too fast. She was always the one who did the mothering and nurturing. She was the one who would lie to get what she wanted. She was the one who built a wall that kept others from hurting her. She would get them first.
That little girl grew up to be tough no-nonsense sort of women with a mean independent streak that scared the worse of 'em. She hung with drug dealers, thugs, and the tough crowd. She was well respected (or rather feared) and she kept others in line. She was not afraid to fight a man because no one would ever hurt her again.
When Pastor Simmons spoke on that topic I cried. When my husband asked me about a month ago, if I had ever went back to get her, I cried again.
I had still left her crying on the bed with a strange color of red. I left her wondering if anyone would ever understand. I left her to be the victim.
And yet it was really me...I was the victim.
What a reality!
So now I have picked her up and we cry together. I tell her that someone does understand and she can be vulnerable and learn to trust others. She can move beyond the point of forgiveness into a process of healing so that she can become truly liberated; no longer is she the victim.
We cry often but each tear sheds a part of the past the may never be forgotten but it surely shall be conquered.
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