Residuals of Life in The Pit Part 2

A sense of unworthiness is a terrible feeling. How do I know?

You guessed it, I have been there.

Just like intimidation, feelings of unworthiness are paralyzing, but in a different way. For years I would not share with others what I do and if I did share I downplayed it often. You know, making it appear unimportant.

Do you know that God is not glorified in that?

You see when God gives us talents, skills, and yes those Spiritual gifts and we downplay them, then that is like telling Him that His gifts to us don't mean much.

How do you feel when you give a gift to someone and they don't appreciate it?

Just this morning I told myself to stop making what I do in life seem so small. I even shared it with Rupert, my husband. It's one thing to be humble, but it is another to be just plain silly. God never said that we couldn't think of ourselves highly:

But I say to every one of you, through the grace given to me, not to have an over-high opinion of himself, but to have wise thoughts, as God has given to every one a measure of faith.
Romans 12:3 (Bible in Basic English)


It's ok to have a high opinion of myself, but I must use wisdom as move forward in what God has given to me to use according to His will. Otherwise I will risk falling into an issue of pride.

So on my journey out of the pit I was in for so many years, I am learning to scream from the mountain tops all that God is allowing me to do and is blessing me with. But I won't scream so loud that I drown God out!

Residuals of Life in the Pit 1

It's been a while since I have blogged. Why?

I am not really sure.

I have been examining my life by talking to God about what He sees. What I have seen can be called residuals of life in the pit.

Residuals are those things that are a direct result of living in a dark pit filled with dirt and a great deal of mess. For me the residuals of being thrown in the pit caused me to lose a lot of precious time in life. I put my dreams on hold, neglected myself, abused myself, hurt people, and most of all I did not let God love me.

I also dealt with and still do deal with intimidation; especially with people who are in power and men. As a result of allowing others to intimidate me I did so many stupid things.

There were times when I would literally freeze up and just leave whatever the issue was alone. My life was in victim mode often and I really did not know how to speak up for myself. But I would fight in a minute...go figure!

Intimidation is paralyzing! There is no other way to say it.

It traps your authentic voice and keeps you from effectively walking in your destiny.

I know because it had me immobile for 36 years before I woke up to what was keeping me from walking in freedom.

I still struggle with it sometimes but I have learned a few key motivators to keep me from falling back into a life in a mental wheelchair.

1. Prayer - Not just any prayer, but a get down and dirty prayer. You know like the ones David prayed in the books of Psalms.

2. Affirmation - Tell yourself daily that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Tell yourself that you are the head and not the tail. Remind yourself that He is the potter and you are the clay...He is molding you in a most perfect way.

3. Read a Psalm Daily - Oh the blessings of this wonderful book.

4. Writer it out - Write when you feel intimidated. It helps you to see what the issue is and why you may have it.

5. Talk it out - I just cried to my husband about this issue the other night. It is very theraputic.

6. Think Before You Speak - If you are in a situation where you feel intimidated, don't talk until uou think about it. Please!

Don't live your life in a mental Wheelchair.

I Finally Told Mom

After my experience with the young girl who did not commit suicide because of my testimony, decided it was time to tell mom about what had occurred.

That was one of the most liberating confessions I have ever made. For over 30 years I have been keeping this from mom. After telling her this truth she began to understand why I was so hateful towards men and why I had so many emotional ups and down.

She told me that my daddy was correct in his assumption that if she would have known I would not have been allowed to go over to his home. She said she remembered when I stayed away from Dad's house for over two years. She just did not know why.

The light went off in her head the other day.

There were no tears just honest talk and admittance from mom that she should have paid more attention to the entire situation.

Yes, my father should have told her so that I could have received the proper help, but he didn't and it cost me a life of sure uncertainty. A life of bitterness, pain, and misunderstood love.

I think mom may be a little angry but talking to dad won't work because he has been dead now for over 20 years. She knows my father loved me with all that was in him and that he never let me step-brother touch or harm me again.

He did what he felt he needed to so that I stayed a part of his life. Did it make him right? Not by any means!

I praise God for giving me the courage to tell my mother.

Truly it was liberating.



Technorati Tags: latara ham-ying, molestation, sexual abuse

Powered by ScribeFire.

She Did Not Do It!

For those who do not know this about me; I am a speaker, facilitator of
God's Word,podcast producer and host. My main platform is teaching
others to be proactive in the choices they make in life.

This
past Sunday I spoke to a group a teens about spiritual gifts, talents,
and purpose. I shared my testimony about molestation and not
understanding why God allowed it in my life. I told the teens it was
because I needed to share it for such a time as this. I felt someone
there needed to hear it.

I received an email from the
coordinator's mother. She said there was a young lady there who was
going to commit suicide that night due to issues she is facing similar
to mine. She took the time afterwards to share with someone what she
was going to do and how what I shared and the entire night saved her
life that night.

It appears that her best friend is being raped
by her own brother and his best friend every night. Something tells me
that it is really the young lady and not the best friend.

I am
still thanking God because I was that young lady. I tried suicide and
God snatched that bottle of bleach out of my hand. So I know her pain
well.

You know as I pondered why I needed to share this here is what God told me...

We
are all a part of the Kingdom Restoration Process for such a time as
this. The enemy is busy trying to kill, steal, and destroy but Jesus...

He came that we might have an abundant life.

The
Body of Christ is on the verge of a huge door opening and this is not
the time to give up. That young girl could be dead tonight if I had not
heeded the voice of God and spoke in a transparent manner (as is my
norm).

In Isaiah 43:19 God says that He will do a new thing. It
is happening now. He is making a way in the wilderness and providing
rivers in the desert.

I praise God for directing me towards that
young lady. I do not even know who she is, but because of my portion of
faith and discernment her life was saved and Satan did not win.


Technorati Tags: latara ham-ying, molestation, sexual abuse, christian

Powered by ScribeFire.

A Victim No More

I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

So why did I play the victim for 38 years? Convenience? To get empathy? To look like a martyr?

What ever the reasons, God has told me it time out for playing the victim.

I am more than a conqueror!

So why did I live my life so defeated? Fear of coming out of the box? Fear of change? Fear of failure? Fear of me?

What ever the reasons, God has told me that I have no right to act in a such a way. To live defeated means I have no faith...Jesus said if you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. I was existing as if I just did not believe.

God told me that He is an out of the box God and I have to be His out of the box child!

God told me that change is necessary for growth. He prunes me with purpose!

I am not here to live a dormant life....Jesus said He came that I not only have life, but have it more abundantly!

So what if they touched me, had sex with me, violated my right to have sex for the first time with the man I love. So what if they beat me, scared me, and made me feel little.

He is God and He knows the plans He has for me.

To live my life in fear of failure is more sinful than murder, gossip, stealing, and even molestation. It hurts Him more when I don't try.

No longer am I to play the victim. This message is not just for me, but for you to my sister or my brother.

You are made in the image of a perfect God! You are loved beyond measure! Nothing can separate you from that love!

Don't the ignorance of a few keep you from living your life....

Outside of the Box!

You are no longer the victim. You my friend are the victor!

Healing....It Truly Is Powerful!

Healing!

When I came here this afternoon I was struck by the fact that I have changed so much in the last few months. I guess when you truly get sick and tired, you really do.

It was my rock bottom....just being sick and tired.

That is what happened with me. As result of my reaching my rock bottom I asked God to show me what to do and to work with me, in me, and on me because I could not live this misery anymore. I could pretend I was satisfied with my life...but really I was not.

I could think I had it all together. But really I was a cookies down to my the last bite. All I was waiting on was for someone else to come and enjoy.

I had really given up on me and in essence, on God. I stopped believing that He cared.

Here I am not even months later and I can say that God truly does come through. All I had to do was let go and let God.

A hard task a wall builder.

I praise God because I am healing and now it shows!

I sit here now in tears because I see all the time I wasted being miserable as I waited on God to do some sort of hocus pocus and make me brand new.

I know now that is not how it works. I knew it then....I just wanted to be different!

Healing...it is a very powerful tool!

It Shall Come to Pass

...and ye know in all your hearts and in all your souls, that not one thing hath failed of all the good things which Jehovah your God spake concerning you; all are come to pass unto you, not one thing hath failed thereof.
Joshua 23:14

I did not accept Christ until I was 20 years old; that was 18 years ago.

However, as a little girl and all the way through my life before Him, I knew He was there. I did not feel scared all those times I was raped (that is what it really was). I knew He was there.

My momma took me to church, I saw her praying on her knees; and at a young age I witnessed black gunk being vomited from my possessed aunt's body after an experience with voo doo as the pastor and others stood in a circle around her and prayed the Word of God. So I knew there was a God. Yes I knew.

I felt His presence when I needed it most. I talked with Him often.

My life would have been worse had He not been there.

As confused as I was about all that was going on with me, I knew He would never leave me nor forsake me. I knew He was going to take care of those evil spirits that made people hurt me.

I always knew I was called, I just did not know to what and I did not accept the call until some years after my Salvation experience.

Looking back I see where God allowed my situation because He knew that I would be here writing to you, my sister in pain. My sister who was touched in such a mean inappropriate way. Even you my brother hiding the shame of being violated in such a cruel way.

God never broke one promise to me. He was faithful not only because He is God but because His loyalty and faithfulness towards me in my darkest hour would catapult me to answer the call.

So if you are wondering where He is, look and listen He has always been there.

He never left you. He knew you needed Him and He knows that you still do.

He has broken one promise and He never will.

The Brick Wall: A Side Effect

You know when someone gets to know me they notice that I will start to build a wall. Many have asked me why.

Especially me husband!

You see after 5 years I am just beginning to really let him in. I can't even look my husband in the eyes and that is really sad. That is a level of intimacy that is really difficult for me. I don't like vulnerability and yet people see it in me all the time.

It's all because of the brick wall that is so hard to get through.

BUT GOD!

A few weeks ago I finally admitted to my husband what he has known all along.

I am scared of being hurt. So I shut down because I fear not being heard or I think that someone will take what I do or say and use it to their advantage. This I do with those who are closes to me.

That was definitely God because I would have never admitted that in such an open way.

Now I am on a journey to tear down the wall that has caused me to lose friends and misunderstand what someone was doing or saying. I have to let it fall or else I risk never knowing true intimacy in life.

Life is too short and precious to live it behind a brick wall.

My husband means too much to me for me not to look into his eyes and say what I really feel.

This is a side effect of molestation. Building a wall so that no one can hurt you; instead the hurt themselves.

The side of the wall I am on is lonely though and I am tired of living the lonely life.

Sure I am a people person, but deep down inside I still have a wall that will keep some out.

That is changing now.

Praise God for the tools to finally tear that wall down.

Today I am Grateful for...

The ability to apologize!

It took me along time to be so bold to say "I'm sorry" but once I started doing it I felt that much more liberated.

Picking Up My Little Girl

About two years ago I heard Pastor Rebecca Simmons speak on picking up your little girl.

I realized during that talk that I had left my little girl back in that bedroom and never went back to pick her up. Leaving her there caused so many years of unnecessary heartache. The little girl I left in that room was not the little girl that I took with me.

The little girl I took with me grew up too fast. She was always the one who did the mothering and nurturing. She was the one who would lie to get what she wanted. She was the one who built a wall that kept others from hurting her. She would get them first.

That little girl grew up to be tough no-nonsense sort of women with a mean independent streak that scared the worse of 'em. She hung with drug dealers, thugs, and the tough crowd. She was well respected (or rather feared) and she kept others in line. She was not afraid to fight a man because no one would ever hurt her again.

When Pastor Simmons spoke on that topic I cried. When my husband asked me about a month ago, if I had ever went back to get her, I cried again.

I had still left her crying on the bed with a strange color of red. I left her wondering if anyone would ever understand. I left her to be the victim.

And yet it was really me...I was the victim.

What a reality!

So now I have picked her up and we cry together. I tell her that someone does understand and she can be vulnerable and learn to trust others. She can move beyond the point of forgiveness into a process of healing so that she can become truly liberated; no longer is she the victim.

We cry often but each tear sheds a part of the past the may never be forgotten but it surely shall be conquered.

Today I am Grateful for...

Being in my right mind. If it had not been for the Lord on my side, I truly do not know where I would be.

I thank God for transforming my mind from a promiscuous being with a desire to be needed by the man instead of the "MAN"! Because my mind is renewed my life is so much better.

A Feeling You Always Seek (This Is a Hard One to Share)

Just about anyone who was molested will tell you that you always seek that feeling you got when someone touched you.

God designed our bodies to respond to certain touches that would arouse us sexually. However, that was for a time between a man and his wife; not a hunter and his prey. So when a young child's body is vandalized it can make things really confusing because the touch does feel good.

As a little girl when I was touched in that forbidden spot it did feel good. When my step-brother did it it was painful because of the violence her exhibited while in the act of violating me. However in the case of others who used me I will be honest and say it did feel good.

Please don't get me wrong because not all things that are good are good for you. What I am saying is that that feeling stays with you and seek it often.

For me it became addictive to the point that I was sexually active through most of my childhood. Let me tell all parents now...talk to your children because they will play and be influenced to play in ways that are not good, but feel good. Don't hide the facts of sex because if you do someone else will talk to them and man will it rock their world in a negative way.

It started out for me with two kids playing with one another. When I turned 16 I had my "first" sexual experience with a young man and I continued this path often having sex within the first two weeks of meeting a man.

I thought it was the only way to make a man love me. He could not possibly take me without the sex. After all it felt good and it made both of us feel good.

I never had a relationship that lasted for over 4 months. Well a couple did, but for the most part it was all about sex.

For me it was love for them it was sex. Then one day I told myself that, like man, sex would become all about satisfaction. It helped me to feel better while I was in the midst of continual sin.

I have had a lot of sexual partners - not something that I feel good about - however, it needs to be said. It needs to be shared.

Your child's very life may depend on it.

I praise God that I never had any sexually transmitted disease or AIDS. It could have been a lot worse, but it is not.

All of this because I was seeking a feeling that I should have never known.

I am Grateful For...

A moment to just smile!

A smile says so much and it is infectious!
A smile says I love you without saying a word.
A smile says that life is OK!
A smile is like a flower....it blooms into sheer beauty.

Praise God for the frown turned upside down!

The Pity of Self-Hatred

I can remember a little girl telling me about her uncle molesting her and how she tried to jump off of a roof and end it all. I held on to her tightly....I understood her pain.

I know that feeling well. I thought about suicide often, even had a bottle of bleach in my hand ready to guzzle it down. I thought that if I ended it then I would not have to deal with all the pain any longer. I thought it would be best. I was tired of holding the secret in.

Daddy was gone and I was really in a state of confusion, pain, and turmoil. Everything was topsy turvy....nothing made sense anymore. The more I tried to comprehend, the worse it got.

Why did Daddy leave and not tell Momma?

Why did my step-mother start ignoring me?

Why didn't my momma see the pain and ask why?

Why was I a victim of sexual abuse?

Why did they choose me?

This led me down a road of self-hatred that led me to take that bottle and consider just giving it all up!

When I look back now I see the reason for it all. I know that God was there with me and to this day I never blamed Him. My anger took on a different enemy....ME!

I wanted to self destruct and never return. Boy how I wish I could have been a different person. It just did not work out that way. I was in a pity party with no guests. I had no idea what this would do to me. My psyche was all screwed up. I did not know how to get out!

This road of self-destruction took me on a path that I will share in the days to come. Let me warn you now....it was not pretty!

Today I am Grateful For

Two boys who are learning what I did not at their age. Their worth in Christ and the value they have in knowing that God wants them to live wih Him forever!

Teach your children daily to admonish the Lord and rest in His peace!

Rummaging Through the Trash

You never realize just how much junk is in your life until you start to face yourself!

Sure a lot of it entered into my life unwillingly, but as I got older I had a choice to change. I chose not to work on it. I just kept sweeping it under a rug and ignoring the small pile forming. Eventually it turned into a huge pile of toxic trash.

Bitterness, anger, promiscuity, manipulation, lying, and so much more became a part of me.

Molestation not only ruins your body, but it messes up your soul. Without help there is only disaster waiting at every turn. Remember I never got help. As a matter of fact I did not start sharing about my molestation until I was well into my 20s.

So my soul was vexed by the evil of sexual abuse.

I did and said so much that I forgot what was real and what was memorex. But I was good at it and most of the time I got away with what I was doing.

No one had a clue...or so I thought.

I found out some years later that there were people who knew I was all memorex and yet they still loved me because they knew the real me. One of my oldest friends said that once she found out all of the stuff I had been through, she understood why I lived like I did. Pushing everyone away with lies, manipulation and bitterness.

I was always doing something to push others away. Sometimes on purpose and other times subsconsciously.

But God was always there and I knew it.

That is why some years later I started working on these ugly ways. The first to go was manipulation. I had used to many people with my sneaky ways. I then let go of my best friend and confidant...the liar.

Now I am working on my bitterness and anger. They tend to go hand-in-hand. I thought it was gone too, but I stayed angry and bitter the first four years of my marriage.

Get this straight because I have only been married 5 years come September 1.

This time when I work on this stuff I am not only putting it in the bag, but I am throwing it in the garbage finally.

The difference between now and then you might ask...God and nothing but! He has my back and this time I don't want to run from His protection. I want Him to help me do this.

So now I am telling others about my stuff because it holds me accountable to work on it. I have no choice but to do so. My witness and the lives of so many other depend on me throwing tha trash out this time.

Does that mean it won;t show up at my doorstep again...Nope!

This time though I am armed with the ultimate WEAPON! My faith, hope, and love for Daddy!

Gotta go take out some trash!

Today I Am Grateful for....

A husband I can grow with. We have both grown during this last 5 years and God is so in the midst.

The Word of God in my life.

Freedom in Christ.

When Daddy Found Out

When my step-brother had sex with me and beat me for the last time, I stayed away from my Dad's house for two years. I would not go over there anymore anymore. At this time I was about 6 or 7 and while the molestation stopped with my step-brother, it continued with a neighbor who would babysit me and told me that I was his secret girlfriend and we would play boyfriend/girlfriend games almost daily.

By this time that way of life was so ingrained in me that it was a normal occurance. In my little mind, it was a part of life; although it was not a very good part of my normal daily existence.

Anyway, my dad did not get why I stayed away. I always had an excuse. He was so hurt I could hear tears choking him sometimes. So he would come and get me during his lunch hour and take me to the race track (I loved to see the horses run...they seemed so free).

You see the last time was it for me because my step brother beat up something awful. After having his way with me, he put a frankenstein mask on me, told me I was ugly, and punched me in my face continuously until my lips were big, split, and blood was everywhere. I am not sure if my jaws were swollen, I just remember the pain.

I also remember feeling ugly and unloved.

He made me tell my dad and step-mom that I fell against the dresser. I don't think they believed me but they did not press the issue too much. They knew my step-brother was bad and needed help. They also knew he did not care for me, but again they never pressed the issue.

I went home and determined I would never return. I was terrified of my step-brother and confused. Why would someone who was supposed to love you hurt you so bad.

The guilt must have gotten to me step-sister because she finally told my dad. I am not sure how they felt about it after it happened, I just know my dad called, told me that he knew, and that I would not have to worry about my step-brother again.

My dad never told my mother. I think he was afraid she would keep me away from him or something worse. You see my mom is a fighter and as a woman who was abused by her first husband she would have been ready for a fight with whoever got in her way as she tried to ring my step-brother's lamp.

At 67 we still know that when her eyes get big and that leg gets to shaking...watch out!

I went over to my dad's house and I did not see my step-brother. He was not allowed there when I was over. I also never heard another word of it from anyone in the house. No holding me, no drying my tears, no counseling...nothing. I did not see until I the last year that my father really took a coward's way out.

I loved my daddy and even after 21 years I still miss him. However, I think that the first thing a parent should do is handle the issue head on. A spanking and a threat won't solve the problem. Daddy and my step-mother did nothing. I think I remember me step-sister telling me that I never had to worry again. Like I said, I can't remember half of my childhood...especially the good stuff.

I have to look at pictures to jog my memory.

The fact that Daddy did nothing only fueled my belief that it was ok, although it felt so wrong.

My step-brother and I did not make much contact. He was not allowed to be in the home while our parents were at work and by that time he was into gangs, drugs, and other things so he was seldom around the house anyway.

I guess you could say I was angry with daddy once I figured that he knew, but I did not realize this until some years later. My relationship with daddy was strong because I knew he loved me with all that was in him. However the fact that he did not do much angered me. I lost a little trust and never felt very comfortable at his house. Although being with my daddy was always fun. I was his "T" and he would not let my step-brother hurt me again.

He never asked me if it happened with anyone else. Like I said, he never said anything after our initial phone conversation.

I am still dealing with being angry at a dead man. I have forgiven him, but I am angry because he did not do more. There should have been more done...so much more.

It may have taken me down another road!

Today I am Grateful for....

My life!

In spite of it all, I am here. I am destined to be more than I ever dreamed and I am grateful that I have a chance to make a difference with my life.

I am grateful for all the small things because they say so much.

I am grateful for my sons who are my biggest encouragers. They help me to heal.

I am grateful for my Sister Circle, the ladies who give me a place to bleed, but keep me from bleeding to death.

I am grateful for the times I have cried and grown through the tears.

I am grateful that I am finally coming out of the pit and the Lord will set me on a rock to stay.

I am grateful

Coming Out of the Pit

Last night I attended a Pink Collar Club book of the month call. The book of the month is Beth Moore's Get Out of the Pit.

I have yet to read the book and kept saying I need to get it.

The call last night reminded me that I did not put myself into the pit, but that I was thrown into the pit. WOW! I did not put myself here.

However, at 38 it is time for me to get myself out of this pit. Why? Self-absorption!

Pits are often small, tight, dark, and lonely. No one else resides there but you. What happens when it is only you. Life becomes about you! Yep, I said it.

Let's get real and be honest with ourselves. My molestors did put me in the pit and as a child I had no way of getting out. I learned to be in my own world and make it all about me. I statyed in the "victim" mode.

What a shame!

Here I have the Word of God and a Daddy who loves on me everyday whether I accept it or not and yet I refuse to step out of myself and move beyond the junk of the past. Who am I to stay stuck in my past and allow it to suck up all the oxygen out of my life. Without oxygen you will die!

I was reminded last night that I don't need to stay stuck because I am more than a conqueror. God has been good to me and has created me fearfully and wonderfully! Who am I to tell Daddy that He is a liar. God never lies! He is who He says He is and He does what He says He will!

So I am climbing out of my pit and learning to speak the truth of God in my life.

I am more than a conqueror!

I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

I am the apple of God's eye!

I have been placed on rock to stand!

The Lord is my light and my salvation.....Whom shall I fear!

I was created with purpose! Designed for destiny!

Speak God's truth into your life today!

Never Knew Innocence (WARNING....Some Graphic Language)

When you are molested every ounce of your innocence is snatched away from you.

This past Sabbath afternoon I was in the living room having a family discussion as we do every Sabbath. Suddenly that thought came to me and I got up, went into my room, closed the door, and broke down in tears.

Then I started journaling.

As a child you don't realize that the innocence was stolen, but it is. Your life becomes filled with lies, manipulation, and stealing and it becomes a part of your life. Why?

You are taught to. Your molestors often tell you not to say anything. "It's our little secret", "Your mom or dad will be mad at you", " I will beat you up" and those are only a few ways they get you to lie.

As much as I hate to admit it, I did all those things well into my adulthood. What a shame that I lived the very lives of my molestors by lying, stealing and manipulation. It was as if their DNA had become a part of me.

Funny thing....the DNA was a part of me. You see everytime you have sex with someone or kiss them open mouth their DNA becomes a part of you.

Boy was that a revealing fact for me to accept as I came out of my promicuous stage later in life.

I remember as a little girl my step brother would tear my insides up and cum inside of me.

His DNA became a part of me.

This I remember well. I was about 4 or 5. Maybe younger. My mind has blocked so much.

When a man would kiss me and place his tongue in my little mouth...that DNA became a part of me.

When a woman would make me touch her in places no child should be forced to touch...that DNA became a part of me.

As much as I tried to get the stinch of the filth off me and pretend it never happened, it all became a part of me. The DNA of a depraved and evil group of people. In essence their filth became my filth at an age when innocence should have been such an integral part of my life.

No matter how much I tried to wash, the filth was still there.

It was with me for so long that after a while I could no longer smell the stinch. It was so much a part of me that lying, manipulation, and stealing became ingrained within my entire being. I learned it all from my predators.

I learned to be exactly what they were. It was the way Satan wanted it and because I had no place to bleed, that is what he got.

As I sat crying on this past Sabbath afternoon, my husband and three-year-old walked into the room. When my husband asked me what was wrong, I grabbed a hold of my baby and told my husband that I never want my children to lose his innocence. I want them to experience every facet as it is their right as children.

My right was taken away.

I never knew innocence. It was snatched away from me.

A Place to Bleed

"Everyone needs a place to bleed."
Marilyn Griffith

Today I have the privilege of interviewing Christian Fiction author Marilyn Griffith for one of my freelance assignments.

The quote I used above was so on time for me in my walk.

We do all need a place to bleed. Now just what does this mean?

Here is my take.

As children of God we tend to put on this air and make like all is well, when it is really not. We are like that because that is what is expected of us.

But what about when we hurt!

We are supposed to have a chance to seek out our brothers and sisters in Christ and be able to share our burdens with them. No matter it is were our sin or the sin of someone else, we should be able to share it.

As a child growing up I did not know who to share it with. I was threatened not to tell anyone. I was so in the mix that I just thought no one would even care. It taught me to clam up. One day my father looked at me and told me I was so bashful that it made me seem stupid. Now he meant no harm, I had a good Daddy. However, I was so shy and timid around older people or when I was asked about something it did make me appear a bit strange.

Daddy did not know why until later after he found out what was being done by my step-brother. He never knew about the others and I never brought myself to say a thing.

As I got older, I found it difficult to share with anyone. I had a built a wall that was made of the same steel Superman was and not even kryptonite could weaken it.

I bled alone!

I had a lot of friends and some of them knew I had been molested but I never let them see me fall. When I tried they would turn away from ignorance of just not understanding what is was I was going through.

Once I started going to church it was even worse because Christians can be so judgmental. I just did not share.

So I cried to God, but even He knew I needed someone else to share in my pain.

I was led to my mentor Nancy. Through the love of God flowing through her, the steel walls were weakened a bit. I started learning how to trust someone with my bleeding wounds. She never judged, never said I was at fault (people will wonder what you did when you say you have been molested numerous times), and she always bared my burdens as I would hers.

We shared so much together!

Today I have more women like myself to share this burden with. I have a few places where I can bleed.

As I heal for deliverance and liberty, I am reminded that I have a Sister circle that crossed the state lines, goes beyond the Mississippi and deeper than the Grand Canyon.

How grateful I am for my places to bleed.

Please if you are reading this and you don't allow others to bleed think about your why and ask God to help you to support another Sister.

Forgiveness is Just The Start

So many years are wasted on just forgiving and not progressing past that point. When someone does something to us we forgive and say we have moved on.

Have we really?

For me it started when I was in my twenties after accepting Christ in 1989 I started on a journey towards change in my life...proactive change. This led me to kneeling at the foot of my bed and forgiving every one of the five individuals who took away my innocence and led me on a road to pain, confusion, bitterness, and anger. I needed to forgive them in order to move on.

However, some 15 plus years later, I am still there at the foot of my bed. As a matter-of-fact, I am still in the bedrooms, closets, empty living rooms, and all the places I was molested. I left my little girl in the corner crying her eyes out not knowing who to trust. Unable to tell even my own mother who to this day still does not know. I am not sure if she ever will.

This stagnation in my life has caused me years of turmoil and unnecessary anguish. At 38 I am in a state of bewilderment because I thought I had moved beyond that point. I see now that I have not.

So it is time to pull up my sleeves, get down in the mud and work this stuff out. It won't be so bad this time though because I am doing it with God. I am in a process of being healed, so that my deliverance from this darkness will move into the light of liberty.

It is my prayer that my open book moments will be a testimony for more than just me. It is time for a change in the lives of all abused individuals. I pray that some woman, boy, or girl will read this memoir and be healed, delivered from darkness and moved into the light of liberty.