The Brick Wall: A Side Effect

You know when someone gets to know me they notice that I will start to build a wall. Many have asked me why.

Especially me husband!

You see after 5 years I am just beginning to really let him in. I can't even look my husband in the eyes and that is really sad. That is a level of intimacy that is really difficult for me. I don't like vulnerability and yet people see it in me all the time.

It's all because of the brick wall that is so hard to get through.

BUT GOD!

A few weeks ago I finally admitted to my husband what he has known all along.

I am scared of being hurt. So I shut down because I fear not being heard or I think that someone will take what I do or say and use it to their advantage. This I do with those who are closes to me.

That was definitely God because I would have never admitted that in such an open way.

Now I am on a journey to tear down the wall that has caused me to lose friends and misunderstand what someone was doing or saying. I have to let it fall or else I risk never knowing true intimacy in life.

Life is too short and precious to live it behind a brick wall.

My husband means too much to me for me not to look into his eyes and say what I really feel.

This is a side effect of molestation. Building a wall so that no one can hurt you; instead the hurt themselves.

The side of the wall I am on is lonely though and I am tired of living the lonely life.

Sure I am a people person, but deep down inside I still have a wall that will keep some out.

That is changing now.

Praise God for the tools to finally tear that wall down.