Residuals of Life in the Pit 1

It's been a while since I have blogged. Why?

I am not really sure.

I have been examining my life by talking to God about what He sees. What I have seen can be called residuals of life in the pit.

Residuals are those things that are a direct result of living in a dark pit filled with dirt and a great deal of mess. For me the residuals of being thrown in the pit caused me to lose a lot of precious time in life. I put my dreams on hold, neglected myself, abused myself, hurt people, and most of all I did not let God love me.

I also dealt with and still do deal with intimidation; especially with people who are in power and men. As a result of allowing others to intimidate me I did so many stupid things.

There were times when I would literally freeze up and just leave whatever the issue was alone. My life was in victim mode often and I really did not know how to speak up for myself. But I would fight in a minute...go figure!

Intimidation is paralyzing! There is no other way to say it.

It traps your authentic voice and keeps you from effectively walking in your destiny.

I know because it had me immobile for 36 years before I woke up to what was keeping me from walking in freedom.

I still struggle with it sometimes but I have learned a few key motivators to keep me from falling back into a life in a mental wheelchair.

1. Prayer - Not just any prayer, but a get down and dirty prayer. You know like the ones David prayed in the books of Psalms.

2. Affirmation - Tell yourself daily that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Tell yourself that you are the head and not the tail. Remind yourself that He is the potter and you are the clay...He is molding you in a most perfect way.

3. Read a Psalm Daily - Oh the blessings of this wonderful book.

4. Writer it out - Write when you feel intimidated. It helps you to see what the issue is and why you may have it.

5. Talk it out - I just cried to my husband about this issue the other night. It is very theraputic.

6. Think Before You Speak - If you are in a situation where you feel intimidated, don't talk until uou think about it. Please!

Don't live your life in a mental Wheelchair.

A Victim No More

I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

So why did I play the victim for 38 years? Convenience? To get empathy? To look like a martyr?

What ever the reasons, God has told me it time out for playing the victim.

I am more than a conqueror!

So why did I live my life so defeated? Fear of coming out of the box? Fear of change? Fear of failure? Fear of me?

What ever the reasons, God has told me that I have no right to act in a such a way. To live defeated means I have no faith...Jesus said if you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. I was existing as if I just did not believe.

God told me that He is an out of the box God and I have to be His out of the box child!

God told me that change is necessary for growth. He prunes me with purpose!

I am not here to live a dormant life....Jesus said He came that I not only have life, but have it more abundantly!

So what if they touched me, had sex with me, violated my right to have sex for the first time with the man I love. So what if they beat me, scared me, and made me feel little.

He is God and He knows the plans He has for me.

To live my life in fear of failure is more sinful than murder, gossip, stealing, and even molestation. It hurts Him more when I don't try.

No longer am I to play the victim. This message is not just for me, but for you to my sister or my brother.

You are made in the image of a perfect God! You are loved beyond measure! Nothing can separate you from that love!

Don't the ignorance of a few keep you from living your life....

Outside of the Box!

You are no longer the victim. You my friend are the victor!

Healing....It Truly Is Powerful!

Healing!

When I came here this afternoon I was struck by the fact that I have changed so much in the last few months. I guess when you truly get sick and tired, you really do.

It was my rock bottom....just being sick and tired.

That is what happened with me. As result of my reaching my rock bottom I asked God to show me what to do and to work with me, in me, and on me because I could not live this misery anymore. I could pretend I was satisfied with my life...but really I was not.

I could think I had it all together. But really I was a cookies down to my the last bite. All I was waiting on was for someone else to come and enjoy.

I had really given up on me and in essence, on God. I stopped believing that He cared.

Here I am not even months later and I can say that God truly does come through. All I had to do was let go and let God.

A hard task a wall builder.

I praise God because I am healing and now it shows!

I sit here now in tears because I see all the time I wasted being miserable as I waited on God to do some sort of hocus pocus and make me brand new.

I know now that is not how it works. I knew it then....I just wanted to be different!

Healing...it is a very powerful tool!

I am Grateful For...

A moment to just smile!

A smile says so much and it is infectious!
A smile says I love you without saying a word.
A smile says that life is OK!
A smile is like a flower....it blooms into sheer beauty.

Praise God for the frown turned upside down!

Coming Out of the Pit

Last night I attended a Pink Collar Club book of the month call. The book of the month is Beth Moore's Get Out of the Pit.

I have yet to read the book and kept saying I need to get it.

The call last night reminded me that I did not put myself into the pit, but that I was thrown into the pit. WOW! I did not put myself here.

However, at 38 it is time for me to get myself out of this pit. Why? Self-absorption!

Pits are often small, tight, dark, and lonely. No one else resides there but you. What happens when it is only you. Life becomes about you! Yep, I said it.

Let's get real and be honest with ourselves. My molestors did put me in the pit and as a child I had no way of getting out. I learned to be in my own world and make it all about me. I statyed in the "victim" mode.

What a shame!

Here I have the Word of God and a Daddy who loves on me everyday whether I accept it or not and yet I refuse to step out of myself and move beyond the junk of the past. Who am I to stay stuck in my past and allow it to suck up all the oxygen out of my life. Without oxygen you will die!

I was reminded last night that I don't need to stay stuck because I am more than a conqueror. God has been good to me and has created me fearfully and wonderfully! Who am I to tell Daddy that He is a liar. God never lies! He is who He says He is and He does what He says He will!

So I am climbing out of my pit and learning to speak the truth of God in my life.

I am more than a conqueror!

I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

I am the apple of God's eye!

I have been placed on rock to stand!

The Lord is my light and my salvation.....Whom shall I fear!

I was created with purpose! Designed for destiny!

Speak God's truth into your life today!

Never Knew Innocence (WARNING....Some Graphic Language)

When you are molested every ounce of your innocence is snatched away from you.

This past Sabbath afternoon I was in the living room having a family discussion as we do every Sabbath. Suddenly that thought came to me and I got up, went into my room, closed the door, and broke down in tears.

Then I started journaling.

As a child you don't realize that the innocence was stolen, but it is. Your life becomes filled with lies, manipulation, and stealing and it becomes a part of your life. Why?

You are taught to. Your molestors often tell you not to say anything. "It's our little secret", "Your mom or dad will be mad at you", " I will beat you up" and those are only a few ways they get you to lie.

As much as I hate to admit it, I did all those things well into my adulthood. What a shame that I lived the very lives of my molestors by lying, stealing and manipulation. It was as if their DNA had become a part of me.

Funny thing....the DNA was a part of me. You see everytime you have sex with someone or kiss them open mouth their DNA becomes a part of you.

Boy was that a revealing fact for me to accept as I came out of my promicuous stage later in life.

I remember as a little girl my step brother would tear my insides up and cum inside of me.

His DNA became a part of me.

This I remember well. I was about 4 or 5. Maybe younger. My mind has blocked so much.

When a man would kiss me and place his tongue in my little mouth...that DNA became a part of me.

When a woman would make me touch her in places no child should be forced to touch...that DNA became a part of me.

As much as I tried to get the stinch of the filth off me and pretend it never happened, it all became a part of me. The DNA of a depraved and evil group of people. In essence their filth became my filth at an age when innocence should have been such an integral part of my life.

No matter how much I tried to wash, the filth was still there.

It was with me for so long that after a while I could no longer smell the stinch. It was so much a part of me that lying, manipulation, and stealing became ingrained within my entire being. I learned it all from my predators.

I learned to be exactly what they were. It was the way Satan wanted it and because I had no place to bleed, that is what he got.

As I sat crying on this past Sabbath afternoon, my husband and three-year-old walked into the room. When my husband asked me what was wrong, I grabbed a hold of my baby and told my husband that I never want my children to lose his innocence. I want them to experience every facet as it is their right as children.

My right was taken away.

I never knew innocence. It was snatched away from me.

A Place to Bleed

"Everyone needs a place to bleed."
Marilyn Griffith

Today I have the privilege of interviewing Christian Fiction author Marilyn Griffith for one of my freelance assignments.

The quote I used above was so on time for me in my walk.

We do all need a place to bleed. Now just what does this mean?

Here is my take.

As children of God we tend to put on this air and make like all is well, when it is really not. We are like that because that is what is expected of us.

But what about when we hurt!

We are supposed to have a chance to seek out our brothers and sisters in Christ and be able to share our burdens with them. No matter it is were our sin or the sin of someone else, we should be able to share it.

As a child growing up I did not know who to share it with. I was threatened not to tell anyone. I was so in the mix that I just thought no one would even care. It taught me to clam up. One day my father looked at me and told me I was so bashful that it made me seem stupid. Now he meant no harm, I had a good Daddy. However, I was so shy and timid around older people or when I was asked about something it did make me appear a bit strange.

Daddy did not know why until later after he found out what was being done by my step-brother. He never knew about the others and I never brought myself to say a thing.

As I got older, I found it difficult to share with anyone. I had a built a wall that was made of the same steel Superman was and not even kryptonite could weaken it.

I bled alone!

I had a lot of friends and some of them knew I had been molested but I never let them see me fall. When I tried they would turn away from ignorance of just not understanding what is was I was going through.

Once I started going to church it was even worse because Christians can be so judgmental. I just did not share.

So I cried to God, but even He knew I needed someone else to share in my pain.

I was led to my mentor Nancy. Through the love of God flowing through her, the steel walls were weakened a bit. I started learning how to trust someone with my bleeding wounds. She never judged, never said I was at fault (people will wonder what you did when you say you have been molested numerous times), and she always bared my burdens as I would hers.

We shared so much together!

Today I have more women like myself to share this burden with. I have a few places where I can bleed.

As I heal for deliverance and liberty, I am reminded that I have a Sister circle that crossed the state lines, goes beyond the Mississippi and deeper than the Grand Canyon.

How grateful I am for my places to bleed.

Please if you are reading this and you don't allow others to bleed think about your why and ask God to help you to support another Sister.

Forgiveness is Just The Start

So many years are wasted on just forgiving and not progressing past that point. When someone does something to us we forgive and say we have moved on.

Have we really?

For me it started when I was in my twenties after accepting Christ in 1989 I started on a journey towards change in my life...proactive change. This led me to kneeling at the foot of my bed and forgiving every one of the five individuals who took away my innocence and led me on a road to pain, confusion, bitterness, and anger. I needed to forgive them in order to move on.

However, some 15 plus years later, I am still there at the foot of my bed. As a matter-of-fact, I am still in the bedrooms, closets, empty living rooms, and all the places I was molested. I left my little girl in the corner crying her eyes out not knowing who to trust. Unable to tell even my own mother who to this day still does not know. I am not sure if she ever will.

This stagnation in my life has caused me years of turmoil and unnecessary anguish. At 38 I am in a state of bewilderment because I thought I had moved beyond that point. I see now that I have not.

So it is time to pull up my sleeves, get down in the mud and work this stuff out. It won't be so bad this time though because I am doing it with God. I am in a process of being healed, so that my deliverance from this darkness will move into the light of liberty.

It is my prayer that my open book moments will be a testimony for more than just me. It is time for a change in the lives of all abused individuals. I pray that some woman, boy, or girl will read this memoir and be healed, delivered from darkness and moved into the light of liberty.