Never Knew Innocence (WARNING....Some Graphic Language)

When you are molested every ounce of your innocence is snatched away from you.

This past Sabbath afternoon I was in the living room having a family discussion as we do every Sabbath. Suddenly that thought came to me and I got up, went into my room, closed the door, and broke down in tears.

Then I started journaling.

As a child you don't realize that the innocence was stolen, but it is. Your life becomes filled with lies, manipulation, and stealing and it becomes a part of your life. Why?

You are taught to. Your molestors often tell you not to say anything. "It's our little secret", "Your mom or dad will be mad at you", " I will beat you up" and those are only a few ways they get you to lie.

As much as I hate to admit it, I did all those things well into my adulthood. What a shame that I lived the very lives of my molestors by lying, stealing and manipulation. It was as if their DNA had become a part of me.

Funny thing....the DNA was a part of me. You see everytime you have sex with someone or kiss them open mouth their DNA becomes a part of you.

Boy was that a revealing fact for me to accept as I came out of my promicuous stage later in life.

I remember as a little girl my step brother would tear my insides up and cum inside of me.

His DNA became a part of me.

This I remember well. I was about 4 or 5. Maybe younger. My mind has blocked so much.

When a man would kiss me and place his tongue in my little mouth...that DNA became a part of me.

When a woman would make me touch her in places no child should be forced to touch...that DNA became a part of me.

As much as I tried to get the stinch of the filth off me and pretend it never happened, it all became a part of me. The DNA of a depraved and evil group of people. In essence their filth became my filth at an age when innocence should have been such an integral part of my life.

No matter how much I tried to wash, the filth was still there.

It was with me for so long that after a while I could no longer smell the stinch. It was so much a part of me that lying, manipulation, and stealing became ingrained within my entire being. I learned it all from my predators.

I learned to be exactly what they were. It was the way Satan wanted it and because I had no place to bleed, that is what he got.

As I sat crying on this past Sabbath afternoon, my husband and three-year-old walked into the room. When my husband asked me what was wrong, I grabbed a hold of my baby and told my husband that I never want my children to lose his innocence. I want them to experience every facet as it is their right as children.

My right was taken away.

I never knew innocence. It was snatched away from me.